| In order be someone different..you must have some idea of who you already ARE. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 29th, 2005|09:49 pm] |
| [ | Kayla feels... |
| |  discontent | ] |
Wow, things sure have changed since the last entry..not neccessarily for the better..I'm alittle scared. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 16th, 2005|11:52 pm] |
| [ | Kayla feels... |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | Right now I am listening to: |
| | sarah talking on the phone to David | ] |
I am trying to think of the best words to adequatley express the way I feel but everything is an understatement...but I will try my best. I used to feel like I was in the middle of an ocean just standing..obviously on a sand bar..and I can't see land no matter which way I look...only water.I felt lost and just so unsteady in what I am suppose to do, there were a million different ways I can swim and they will all lead me to different place but I don't know where I am suppose to go ...more or less where I am SUPPOSE to go. I know that makes no since whatsoever but its the best I can do. Anyways now I feel so confident in my on life and decisions that all Ii have to do is float on my back and let the tide take me because my life is no longer my own like I have always tried so hard to make it. I have always have this constant fear of ot being in Gods will and doing what I wanted to do..or being in Gods will abd being so unhappy about where I am in life. I never stopped to think that God is a just God and he will never bless me with unhappiness so to speak. I not once put my life in his hands..what does that mean? It means to give everything to Him..EVERYTHING. And stop worrying about what I am going to do career wise, who I will marry, if I will have ugly children, where I will live and most importantly what I will do in the ministry. I do believe with all my heart that what I went through a short while ago was simply a situation to help me better understand and see Gods divine plan for my life. I have come to realize through all of this, that the desire I have had for so long with this certain ministy..is there just by "chance" but thats Gods calling on my life, he implants a desire and if you choose to feed that (spiritual) desire with spiritual things it can and will develop into a ministry. It might just be a theory that helps me understand and recognize what I am suppose to do but it worked. When I was going through my 'time' I havd never felt more far away from God as I did then...it scared me and it was a place I have never been, and I think a lot of people saw it. I was letting go of the calling by not feeding my desire with God, I felt so empty..then the other night at prayer meeting when Marla was speaking I realized...this was all in Gods plan, he put me through this so I would know that my whole life is about him and was gave me fullfillment was my desire and calling to the ministry. I always heard about the God shaped hole...the hole that on God can feel...but this was more like a God shaped body(ok that sounds kinda weird but think about it)My whole life is Him and can only be filled by Him...it not a hole..its my whole entire self. A recent prophesy stated that I will always bee empty if I search for happiness in other things but God..I can want all those things like a husband and a great job but if I dont follow Gods plan and I don't answer to my calling I will always be empty..now I know what they were saying...and now I have a greater testimony..I am amazed at the way God works but I just feel so unworthy of all the things Gos has done for me...why does he use ME? Its happening often now and I am starting to wonder of its him or me because it just it happening more than I ever imagined..and if you go to my church you know what I am talking about...anyways..goodnihgt for now...I can for the first time in forever...sleep. |
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| Picking back up the peices.... |
[Mar. 2nd, 2005|07:26 pm] |
| [ | Kayla feels... |
| |  in awe of His mercy | ] |
| [ | Right now I am listening to: |
| | Tyler Walea- Who You Are | ] |
Well, I started my new job Monday..so far I love it. Believe it or not its kinda an escape for me, it keeps me busy so I don't think. When I am thinking, it does me no good so I am more than happy to be busy. I feel like I am improving alittle bit with some things. I have been very confused lately about some things that only my closest friends know about..and it will remain that way. But anyways, I starting to find myself in all of this and now I know how little I knew about myself. I can't belive the things I am discovering about me, I wasn't even aware I did those things. I am starting to find peace in all of this and at the same time, I am just starting not to care. Who cares if I never get a career that makes me look intelligent and that is highly exaulted..as long as I have a passion for whatever I am doing and I can give 100% of me. Who cares if I don't live in a big house and drive expensive cars..as long as I appriciate the things that really matter..who cares? Who cares if I ever get married to that man that will complete me, or so I think...as long as I can be content with being me, and being alone..who cares? I don't. I DID, but thats all over now, it has made me into this anxious worrisome person who never just sits back and lets life lead her what ever direction the current is going..or what ever way God is trying to push me. I am so tired of running, I don't know why I run when God has complete control over my life, and hes never going to give me this horrible life and this horrible ministry in exchange for living a holy and dedicated life for Him. Whatever ministry he gives me, he will give me a passion and a desire along with it so it gives me fulfillment and joy. Whatever type of husband he gives me , along with it, he will give me the love for that person and the desire to be with them forever...and strength to make it through the rough spots. I don't know what I am so worried about. Gos knows me, and he knows my needs..He also knows what would give me complete and total satisfaction with life..not like that is what is important ..but God is waiting to bless us every time we turn around, we are just to focused on ourselves to see his mercy in action. He has never done me wrong, nor will he ever fail me. Though I feel like I am dry and not as on fire as I should be right now, I know it's not Gods punishment to me, its my own lack of commitment and understanding that causes my life to be in this predicament as it is now. This is not a time in my life, nor is it a valley, all it is , is simply a stone that I stumbled upon while trying to follow the path that He has laid out for me, I can either trip and lay there forever just complaining about how I fell and got scratched up, or I can stand up, brush off my knees and use that rock to build my wall against satan...the one who is to blame for all of this. If we could only comprehend the unfailing love Gos has for us each day, we would want to worship hiim every chance we had, but since we are so inconsistant with our emotions and so on, we never stop to comprehend it all...but iven if we tried, we couldnt, because His love is too amazing to even begin to think about...almost like me and math, I rather just know its there than try to solve it. I think thats the way he wants it to be...he wants us to be aware of it but no matter how long we dwell on it, we will never understand the capacity nor circumference of his love...thats one of the many things that is so amazing about our Lord. So many times I fall, and stay down due to my own stubborness and selfishness..I turn away from God because I feel that he should pick me back up...and the whole time..he is doing just that, I am just too blind to see it that I am the one keeping myself down just so I can have a reason to do the stupid things I do. And then when we fail God..instead of bringing it back up or walking out of our lives for a while just to "teach us a lesson" hes there again to stand behind us incase we collapse due to our own guilt and shame...why is he always there? I never will know why he waits in that area for me...its the place that he always is just when we are ready to come back to him, in my oppinion, he should leave me, it would show me right, but he doesnt..and he never will. Hes beyond words, and no matter how far I walk away from Him..and ofcourse make it seem like he left me, I will never shut Him out of my life because life without Him is not life at all...he created it, so how can he not be part of it? |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 25th, 2005|11:16 pm] |
| [ | Kayla feels... |
| | take a guess | ] |
| [ | Right now I am listening to: |
| | John Legend:tossin and turnin | ] |
Is this what rock bottom feels like? I sure hope it is, then that means theres nowhere else to fall. |
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| The story of my life |
[Feb. 24th, 2005|03:58 pm] |
| [ | Kayla feels... |
| |  tired...from running. | ] |
| [ | Right now I am listening to: |
| | Ray Charles: Amazing Grace | ] |
Well, you wont be hearing about "him" anymore, he started talking to someone else. I took the chance, got kicked in the face...put some ice on it and now its time to move on. There it is, the story of my life. I don't know what I am doing or why I do what I do when I do something. I am running from something and I don't know what it is, but I am more than willing to stop if I knew what it is that scares me. I am purposely trying to settle for less than what I can have...not neccessarily what I deserve..but what I can have. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know what I am suppose to do. I dont even know what I want to do. All I know is I am running fast and getting nowhere, I get myself into thing that I know will turn out badly, just so I can run faster and have a reason to push people away..not really a valid reason but just something to help me sleep better at night. I dont know what I am doing.If I knew all the things I was supposed to accomplish in life..it would make my life a lot simple..I go get the degree I need, buy the house I need, help the people that need...or depending on what cards life had dealt me...go live in a van down by the river.I just want to know, I am sick of disapointing people and disapointing myself, I have a good life and I know it, I just need some direction and perhaps some rope to tie me to a pole so I can't run anymore. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 22nd, 2005|02:36 pm] |
| [ | Kayla feels... |
| |  like poo poo,bc of the flu | ] |
| [ | Right now I am listening to: |
| | Shawn McDonald- Gravity | ] |
Today is a very gloomy day, the kind of day where even if there is something to be happy about, you don't wanna.I had a doctors appt. today and I ended up re-scheduling it to a later date since I am at home with the flu...yes, the flu. besides feelings of weakness, nausea, diziness,and cold sweating I am doing just great. I spent the day at Sarahs..well more like the week and while she was at work I cleaned out her room alittle bit...out with the old, in with the new. She needed to get rid of some "baggage", so I gave her my assisstance in that. I started feeling sick shortly after that and its just been progressing for the worse since then. Sarah said she is feeling kinda sick too, oh yay, maybe we can be the flue sisters! Last night "he" wasn't in the best of moods and neither was I, so lets just say that made and interesting conversation. I hope he feels better today, I miss talking to him, its kinda hard to wait until like 11:30 or midnight every night to talk to him..the other day he called me while he was in class which was sweet and told all id friends to say hi to his girlfriend. I wcalled him the other morning to wake him up for school and Sarie said I was all sweet talking on the phone, that in no way can be true bc I am NOT a morning person and I am very grumpy in the mornings..ok I might have been a little "nice" or whatever but nothing different than how I would talk to anyone else at 7:30 in the morning. Some people seem to think I am "falling" rather quickly but I beg to differ. What if this is all a show and I am just faking it? And if this was a different guy, I would be doing the same thing right? so obviously reguardless of who the guy is I would act like this...well not really because I really like him a LOT but I dont think I am falling and everyone who knows me knows that I am not. Ofcourse if this is falling it definitely hasn't happened before and it can happen more often as far as I'm concerned...bc it doesn't feel too bad...it makes you a little anxious but not the bad kind of anxious...not the bad kind of anything..it all good :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 19th, 2005|02:49 pm] |
HAHA, I am honestly laughing at this..I do NOT do that! Thats like saying I'm a tease...yeah right!
Your Seduction Style: The Charmer |
You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement.
You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you.
By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power.
And then you've got them exactly where you want them! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 19th, 2005|02:46 pm] |
what the crap? 33? I dont think so..how about 23?
You Are 33 Years Old |
33
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 19th, 2005|02:39 pm] |
Well I don't know about the thinking with my heart part haha but the rest seems ok.
Your Brain is 80.00% Female, 20.00% Male |
Your brain leans female
You think with your heart, not your head
Sweet and considerate, you are a giver
But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you! |
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| Get out of my head. |
[Feb. 18th, 2005|12:43 am] |
| [ | Kayla feels... |
| |  anxious | ] |
I don't want this to happen. He isn't supposed to be here. The last one wasn't and look how that went. I didn't do anything to make this happen...it just did. All of my friends think its cute but they don't understand that it wont be cute in a few months when its over and I am left hurting...or worse, we both are. Ok I am on the phone with him right now...ah I want this to stop. Well I don't, but it needs to...it has to...ahhhhhhh.
I honestly can't deal with this..or maybe I can but I really don't want to. I don't know why all my friends think its so cute when then know just as well as I do..whats gonna happen..or maybe they dont, but they will soon.
I want to be optimistic about this, I want to so bad, but I can't...it's just so hard for me and I have never even been hurt by the opposite sex...well nothing bad enough where I can't get over it. I just use one bad experience to justify my actions in all the other potential experiences. I can't do that, it's wrong and I know it. So why do I do it? Time and time again? I think what I am scared of is that I have never really liked anyone(guy) to the point where I was in love..or close to it..or even where I thought I was in love. And I am avoiding that point..and I am afraid each new relationship will be the one true love that I never get over...even though I wouldnt know I was in love if it came and shocked me with a defibulator..better yet, a wet defibulator...its called denial..and I am not talking about the river in Egypt..though I wish I was, its a lot easier to get over. I am not like in love with him or anything, not even close...or at least I hope not..yeah not even close..its just that I am not really in a place in my life where I need this and I am not writing this for anyone to read, its simply venting so there is a reason why it is boring and makes no sense whatsoever.I think I am done now..I kinda feel at peace about it now that I let it all out...who cares what happens. Everything happens for a reason ,right? Lets hope so.
Here goes nothing..or maybe something, who knows.
Me |
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